For the first time in my life with tears rolling down my cheeks, I said, “God! let it not be a girl”. I was scared and trembled.
December 29, 2012
After many days, I opened google news and read ” Nirbhaya is no more”.
The agitation, the outrage in the country and the name “Nirbhaya”. Everything sounded new to me. I had no clue what was happening in the country for last two weeks. Sad! We had no TV at home. I wasn’t using the latest Smartphone and the phone I had was so horrible to do anything except to browse Facebook and play Candy Crush.
All I would do from morning till night was to eat well, sleep well and keep myself relaxed. I knew the coming months or years are going to give me sleepless nights. I wanted to enjoy this time which is not going to come again in my life. All the sites I browsed on laptop for last few months were just pregnancy and baby care sites. All I could think was the ambiguity of labour pain, handling a baby and life after it. What else can a first time mom-to-be think of? The only thing I was expecting was to take the hospital bag (already kept ready) and rush to hospital any time.
I pulled out all the newspapers from December 17th till December 29th, 2012 from the shelf. As I read each paper, I was hurt deep inside my heart.
What if it is a girl?
Is dreaming of having a daughter who will grow up to be an absolutely independent and carefree wrong?
Is it possible to bring her up without any fear of losing her?
Is 8:30 pm that dangerous time of the day? For me it is JUST 8:30 pm.
Was it not at 10:30pm or 11:00pm I left my work place many a time or almost all the time? All alone? In a cab or in an auto rickshaw?
She would have been on the road waiting for the bus, just like me. Waiting to go to her home and have a nice dinner and have a good night sleep and get ready for Monday, just like me.
I was upset to the core.
I was scared and trembled with fear.
I was checking google news every hour to know the updates.
When my husband came I asked him why did he not discuss anything about this. He said that he is already disturbed and so is the nation and wanted me to stay away from the news and the agony I would face knowing the incident specially during the most crucial and sensitive time of our lives.
The pain did not go in hours or days. As I started coming back to normal I also started thinking about the boy in the bus, Nirbhaya’s friend. He is a boy but has not suffered less. He has taken almost the same pain. The only difference is Nirbhaya left us and he is alive. It is more painful to live with those horrific memories. Isn’t it? Was he not abused, tortured, thrown out of the bus nude and brutally hurt? My heart goes out to the boy who has to live with this pain forever.
So what if I deliver a baby boy? Will he be safe? cannot be guaranteed.
But still, though statistics show that boys are equally raped or abused, why don’t I see them on news channels, news papers or social media?
When the court announced death sentence to all four convicts everyone said, we/she got justice. But what about the evil criminals who hanged those two sisters in Badaun, UP after allegedly raping them? What about the Uber cab driver who raped a helpless girl recently? What about the school gym trainer in Bangalore who raped a six year old girl? What about the school bus driver who abused a 2 year old? What about those four 13 year old boys who gang raped a 7 year old just few days back? Are we not going to hang these animals too? All these happened after we heard the death sentence for Nirbhaya’s convicts.
The above are just few incidents I mentioned which happened recently. Stats show that 93 women are being raped every day in India which means one in every 30 minutes. There is a huge increase in rape cases from 2012 to 2014. When would these girls get justice? Do we need every abused girl to sacrifice her life like our brave heart Nirbhaya to get the right justice? Just because they are alive, just because they are NOT appeared to be brutally hurt these animals in human form are saved by our law?
Nirbhaya has left us by starting a revolution and igniting the thought of respecting women. The revolution which only WE can end successfully.
There is only one solution which can again ONLY happen if we all parents can bring up our children with a positive thinking about the body irrespective of the gender. With the generation where homosexuality is casually discussed and is almost accepted everywhere, can anyone guarantee that same sex rapes will not happen? So, it really doesn’t matter if it is a boy or a girl.
The real tribute will be the day when we see every man respect a woman, a woman’s body and his own body. The same applies to women to respect the man, his or her body.
It was in 1857 when the Indian freedom struggle started and it took 90 years to get the freedom. Let’s start the revolution to bring up the change in the way we and our children look at the body. If not now, let the freedom be for our next generation. Let’s do our part and leave.
The year 2012 ended with bereavement.
Within a week I gave birth to my lovely daughter. 2013 brought an absolute delight in my life.
After two years, sitting in front of the monitor to type this, during the wee hours of the morning today, with my lovely daughter sleeping next to me, while I touch her back and pat gently, I still think if it is still safe being a girl? What if it is a girl again? I know when it comes to loved ones specially as a parent one can never be a brave heart. Fear rules.
When fear hits me, all I do is to close my eyes and let God speak to me the following which I played to my daughter in my womb every day and every night.
“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.”
Psalm 23:4
the tin trunk 
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